When yoni eggs dropped into my life, a powerful process of healing began that took me completely by surprise.
Because, truthfully, I wasn't looking to be healed. I simply wanted to learn some new tricks to use in the bedroom. At the time, having a tight vagina seemed pretty important.
It didn't take very long to realize the external benefits of the yoni egg practice seemed secondary to the internal, spiritual benefits of this ancient meditative practice.
As many women do, I had always felt a deep sense of inadequacy, without knowing quite where it came from. This was a double-edged sword, something the drove me the great achievement, but also caused me to be extremely self-destructive. When I began to practice with yoni eggs, and learned how to focus the mind, reconnect with my body, and reprogram all the negative and damaging beliefs I’d been absorbing from my culture, that’s when I was finally able to start creating real change in my life.
I thought of creating a yoni egg diary shortly after starting Keggel in May 2015. I was excited to share my experience with other women, to show the rapid, whiplash-inducing transformation that was possible Each day after practicing with a yoni egg, I'd be brimming with realizations about myself and the world, but each attempt at expressing them in words failed miserably. I'd write a sentence, and cross it out. Write another sentence, and cross that out, too.
I was afraid. Part of my truth was dark: shame, addiction, cultural trauma, perfectionism, alienation. I was still clinging to the idea that I had to fit a certain mold, and I didn't want to expose myself as an imposter within the ultra-positive culture of yoga and conscious living.
At the same time, I didn't want to sugarcoat my experience, or simply say whatever I knew would sell more yoni eggs. And so, for two years, I didn't write a word.
Instead, I threw myself into conversations with women (mostly my customers at Keggel) about these topics. Eating disorders, body issues, sexuality, shame, objectification, relationships. It didn’t take long to realize I was neither alone, nor an imposter. The damaging ideas and beliefs we inherit from our culture effect all women in a profound way, regardless of race or age or body type. And, as it turned out, I wasn't the only yogi with a dark side. In fact, it seemed that many of us who find ourselves on a spiritual path do so in order to shed light onto their darkness, and make peace with it.
My customers came to me for guidance and left me with a huge gift: their bravery and vulnerability. Little by little, I began to share my own story, exposing long-hidden wounds and speaking my truth. And, a beautiful thing happened: My shame began to dissipate.
Little by little,I stopped trying to cultivate an identity, stopped trying to validate myself through the approval of others, and started to really get to know myself.
There’s an idea in shamanism that says the cure for the poison is in the poison; by focusing on the unconscious beliefs that caused me so much shame and suffering, I was able to trace them back to their roots, understand them, and defeat them.
Despite knowing it’s powerful effects, my yoni egg practice has been sporadic over the years. What can I say? I'm human.
On a personal level, re-dedicating myself to the yoni egg practice and writing about it isn’t something that I want to do—it’s something that I must do. I am creating what I envisioned years ago, when I started this company: The Wild Woman Diary.
The Wild Woman Diary is a record of my own journey as I explore the current feminine reality through meditation, the yoni egg practice, radical self-expression, shameless truth, and connecting with the divine feminine. It won't be perfect.
But it'll be real.
Owner of Keggel, wild woman, artist, runner, hugger of extremes.
The Wild Woman Diary is a multimedia artistic project on several platforms.
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