May 25, 2016 Anna Judd

Last night's run with the yoni egg was interesting, to say the least. I made sure that it was dark outside by the time I left, in case there happened to be any mishaps. I mean, you never know. Running can be difficult enough, much less running while you you are trying to grasp onto a heavy smooth stone with your vagina. Seriously.

So, yes, I'm glad that I waited until I was under the cover of night, because I did, in fact, lose the egg after about two blocks. At first, I was feeling cocky about the run. "Ha! This isn't so hard. Running with yoni eggs! Piece of cake!" And then, I got cocky, and started running faster.

And then, my brain started vomiting endorphins into my system, and I felt so proud of myself for being so graceful. "Just like a gazelle!" the drivers would say as they watched me bounding and leaping across the street. I was so busy getting high off of myself, that I completely forgot about the yoni egg.

And then, I lost it.

It didn't fall onto the ground. Instead, my yoni egg fell into the crotch of my black compression leggings, and started to slowly eek down my left leg. For a few awkward moments, I was able to experience what it is like to run with testicles. Really, just one testicle. No thanks. I am so happy to have a vagina.

I couldn't put the egg back in, but I had to retrieve it out of my pants, so I trotted over to a dark, shadowy patch of sidewalk, surrounded by trees and bushes that blocked the street lights. I plunged my hand down the front of my pants and grabbed it. Yeah, it was hot, and a little slimy. Lovely. For the remainder of my run, I switched off between holding it in my right and my left hand. It was actually hotter than my skin from being inside me, which was simultaneously weird and awesome.

Then, like it so often goes on my run, my imagination got ahead of me. I started to think about how it was good that I was running with a rock in my hand. I thought about all the times I've been running in rural areas and chased by stray dogs, and how picking up rocks and running with them usually makes me feel safer and more protected. My favorite yoni egg is obsidian, like I mentioned before, which is the same thing that arrowheads are made out of. So, naturally, I thought about my egg as an arrowhead. I like this idea. Makes me feel like a warrior princess. I thought about how if anyone tried to fuck with me while I was running, I could throw the yoni egg at them, and well, that would be some real Kegel Kung Fu. It would funnier if, in order to protect myself, I had to remove the egg from my vagina first, and then throw it at them.

They'd pull over and they'd be like, "Hey Baby! Why don't you get into this windowless white van?"

And I'd smile politely and keep running and call out, "No thanks, I'm running!!"

(These are the rules of traditional Kung-Fu. You must avoid conflict whenever possible.)

But then, they'd pull over again a mile down the road still taunting me, all creepy-like, like they've prepared a room for me in a dark basement somewhere. Cute blonde girl running, they'd think. Easy, they'd think.

I'd speed up on my approach, and get that "ITS WAR!" look on my face (You know, like in Kill Bill--the look Beatrix Kiddo gets right before she starts to really kick someone's ass).

Then, I'd shove my hand down my pants, push the egg out, and Haha! An arrowhead!

They'd have no idea what the hell was going on! So confused! "Why is she…?" and "What the....?" And before they could figure it out, I'd wind up and chuck my yoni egg right at 'em, hitting that pressure point on someone that makes them pass out on the spot, giving me ample time to retrieve my weapon and make a seamless escape.

No? I guess I have an overactive imagination. Oh well, it made the run go by quick.

This morning, I wanted to try it again, so I went out for a few miles. I told myself to check my ego, to be mindful of the egg, to keep my pace controlled. I listened to "The Shaman's Heart", a seventy-three minute track mixed with binaural beats and shaman drumming, designed to put you into a meditative trance state. It worked. I also noticed that it caused me to be mindful of my form, and I did a much better job than usual of keeping my back straight and my core engaged. I squeezed my egg (or at least I tried to) every time I heard this certain low drumbeat, and the egg didn't slip out once. Victory!!!!

So, in short, running with a yoni egg is a lot like running with a dog. You have to always be aware of it, of it's position in relation to where you are. You have to tug on the leash every once in a while to move it one way or another. It might even be a good idea to bring a plastic bag with you, just in case the egg happens to slip out, and you don't want to bare-paw it. Ha, ha. In all honesty, I don't think you need to worry about losing the egg, if you actually want to try running with it. You will get the hang of it after a couple times. 

You just have to kegel up. :)

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